BREAKING: Hip-hop bathroom ban introduced in Montana House

It's about public safety.

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My colleagues, I rise before you today in support of HB 3192009, the “Hip-Hop Fan Bathroom Ban” bill. This bill is very important because hip-hop fans in the bathroom make me uncomfortable, and I think they should go somewhere else.

Hip-hop fans in the bathroom are very upsetting. They will sometimes tap their foot on the floor, in rhythm. I’m afraid that one of them will rap at me. Maybe this has already happened. Don’t ask me for specifics.

We must stop this egregious threat to our well-being. As such, any individual who encounters a hip-hop fan in the restroom can sue the offending facility or organization within two years of the event.

Here’s the catch: hip-hop fans are truly ingrained into the fabric of our society: they are teachers, lawyers, doctors, even state lawmakers. That makes them harder to spot.

If you think there is a hip-hop fan in the bathroom, but you’re not sure, you should definitely still alert the authorities.

There are several non-invasive, totally constitutional ways to check if someone is a hip-hop fan:

For one, we can open their phone and search their Spotify history for any recently played club bangers. Or go through their bank records for any hip-hop-ish purchases.

Hip-hop is all about tattoos. For instance, the hip-hopper Lil’ Kim has paw print tattoos on her chest. So, if you see a woman who you think might be a hip-hop fan, she’s gonna have to show us her boobs to prove that she isn’t a Lil’ Kim admirer. And for the fellas, I suspect Machine Gun Kelly has at least some ink down there. So if you’re looking suspicious, you’re gonna have to drop trow and let us take a peek.

I want to stress that this bill is not about discrimination. It’s about protecting those things that have been eroding these last few years for fans of other genres of music. All this bill is asking for is reasonable accommodations.

By the way….while the fiscal note for my bill says that specific costs to state agencies are “unknown” or “not currently estimable,” it does forecast that the fiscal impact to local school districts and law enforcement agencies could be “significant.” Just a heads up.

And sure, there might be a few small details left to iron out, but don’t worry, we’ll fix it right up over in the Senate.

Phew! I can’t wait to vote on this bill. Honestly, I’d been thinking about working on a property tax bill instead, but this is way better.

Thanks so much for your support, and remember: If you vote No, we are definitely gonna primary your ass.